Bill Murphy's Day Off is the fifth episode.
Bill gets revenge on Jimmy by sucker punching him, breaking the birdhouse he had just made in shops. Jimmy challenges him to a fight, which Maureen jumps in on causing Bill to be dubbed a pussy by his classmate and be suspended from school. When he brings his suspension form home, Kevin forges Frank's signature on it so their parents won't find out. Maureen witnesses this and uses it to blackmail Bill.
Meanwhile, Kevin gets a C in history and so Sue promises him that she and Frank will take him to see Shire of Frodo in concert. She pressures Frank to ask his union friends to help get him tickets during the negotiation meeting he is headed to.
While Bill takes the day off school and Sue is overworked by her boss, Frank's union negotiations fall apart. Unable to get the tickets, he instead asks Vic. Bill, being in his parents room as they both arrive home, hides under their bed to avoid being caught home from school. He witnesses his parents have an intense fight where Frank refers to Bill as a pussy. As they begin to calm down and make up, Bill remains trapped under the bed as they have sex.
At the concert that night it is revealed that Shire of Frodo is merely the opening act of Lifted Riffs and are quickly boo'd off the stage. At home, Bill stands up to Maureen's blackmail and runs off to find Jimmy so he can prove he isn't a pussy. He winds up accidentally lighting up Jimmy's hidden fireworks stash in the woods, starting a massive forrest fire.
- Title Reference: Bill taking the day off from school due to his recent suspension; the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
- The premise of the opening (which is based off Frank's life) is explained in this episode: Frank wanted to go to flight school after graduating from high school. This was delayed when he got the draft notice to fight in the Korean War. The plan was derailed completely when Frank met Sue and impregnated her, which led to their marriage and the kids being born.
- In this episode, it is revealed that Kevin nearly drowned at the bottom of a swimming pool for 2 minutes as a toddler, causing brain damage. Sue treats him delicately because of this and attributes this as to why he does so poorly in school, which Frank strongly believes causes Kevin's bad behaviour.
- Kevin has been suspended from school 37 times and knows how to forge Frank's signature.
- Jimmy's father works as a janitor.
- The name of the local elementary school is Alfred P. Southwick Elementary School.
- Jimmy Fitzsimmons creating a wooden boy in his room is just like the concept of Geppetto creating Pinocchio.
- (Bill enters the room, falls face down onto his bed)
- Kevin: What's his problem?
- Maureen: He got in a fight with Jimmy Fitzsimmons.
- Bill: (angry) And I would've won if you hadn't jumped in!
- Kevin: You got saved by a girl? Ha! You p***y!
- Bill: I am sick of everybody calling me a p***y! (hold up his suspension form, worried) Now, I gotta tell dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me.
- Kevin: Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing? They never check those things. Just forge dad's name and take the day off.
- Bill: Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended.
- Kevin: (smiles) I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke. They suspend me because I'm a piece of s**t. Then, they give me a paper, saying I'm said "piece of s**t," and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why the f**k would I do that? I'm a piece of s**t! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house. But, until then...
- (grabs the suspension form, signs Frank's signature on it, and returns it to Bill)
- Here, enjoy your day.
- (Scene: outside the elementary school, Bill and Jimmy are about to fight)
- Jimmy: F**king coward with your sucker punches.
- Mr. Fitzsimmons: What are you waiting for? Kick his ass, Jimmy!
- Jimmy: Shut up, dad!
- Philip: Get him, Bill. (Mr. Fitzsimmons sprays Philip, causing him to gasp) My... asthma... (coughs)
- Sue: Hey, Frank! Up here.
- Frank: I need to brush my teeth. I just had to eat a s**t sandwich.
- Sue: Ah, you got the tickets.
- Frank: Yep! The concert's tonight, by the way. Did you know that?
- Sue: I guess. What's the big deal?
- Frank: It's Colt Luger night. This is the big one. It might be the end for Colt.
- Sue: (annoyed) Oh, for God's sake, Frank. It's just a T.V. show.
- Frank: It may just be a show, but it's the only thing in my life that doesn't disappoint...
- Sue: Don't start in on me, Frank! I have had a hard enough day as it is.
- Frank: (now angry) Oh, well welcome to the working world, Miss Murphy!
- Sue: Oh, here it comes, here it comes everybody!
- Frank: Here comes what? Here comes what? What, the truth?
- Sue: Oh, I knew you wouldn't support me!
- Frank: I'm getting a hernia supporting you! But this part-time job is out of control! You're not paying enough attention to your family!
- Sue: Well, at least I'm not screaming at it!
- Frank: Ah, it's called "having emotions", Susan, alright! Christ, you're ice cold, like those f**king TV dinners we've been eating every night! I haven't had a decent meal in weeks, okay! Today was probably the worst day of my life, we're probably gonna have a strike, which means the whole company goes down at Christmas! And, I had to kiss Vic's ass, that f**king gigolo, to get tickets for our son, who I now have to treat like a f**king dainty snowflake!
- Sue: You know why we do that. You know why.
- Frank: Oh, God! Are you really going to bring that up again? Kevin was only down there for TWO minutes!
- Sue: Two minutes, Frank! At the bottom of a motel swimming pool!
- Frank: Okay, agreed! Two minutes without oxygen is not ideal, but you gotta understand, toddlers are resilient! Christ, if they lose an arm in the womb, it grows right back!
- Sue: What the hell are you talking about?
- Frank: I'm talking about... look! Just because you drown a little bit, it doesn't give you any excuse to be an asshole for the rest of your f*cking life!
- Sue: He's trying! He's really trying! And you wouldn't notice 'cause you're too busy riding him! You never discipline Bill, do you? It's never Bill! It's always Kevin!
- Frank: Ah, Bill can't... That's because Bill's a little p***y! Christ, he falls apart if you just look at him, alright! He's got no spine! You gotta rub his back during war movies! Gee, I wonder where he got THAT from, Susan!
- Sue: What, you think he gets it from me?
- Frank: Oh, you coddle him too much and you know it! YOU KNOW IT!
- Sue: I work hard to keep this family happy! I keep everyone, EVERYONE, from killing each other!
- Frank: WELL TODAY, I WILL ACTUALLY WELCOME IT!